(808): “No, He Came In My Armpit.”

By now, I’m sure you have all heard of Fmylife, quite possibly the biggest time waster since Facebook.  If you haven’t, you are not in college, and you are not reading this blog (no one not in college reads this blog).  If not, it’s a site where people talk about how much their lives suck, and it’s a hell of a lot funnier than GroupHug.  Example:

 

The other day I brought up the site to my boyfriend, Sean, and he claimed he had a better site for me.  He was right.  That site is textsfromlastnight.  I think I’ve now read every post on that site (I have a life) and I feel even smarter because it was mentioned in a recent issue of The New Yorker (only smart people read that magazine, I think)!  Example:

Here’s my only problem with it:  I am very, very proud to live in two cities (Iowa City and Buffalo) that are KNOWN for their “problems” with excessive drinking.  I searched for texts from the 319 and 716 area codes and there are hardly any!  I know I’ve received some truly outrageous texts on football game weekends…I’ll bet you all have, too.  Start sending your in NOW.  I expect my area codes to be well-represented!

“The Most Hideous Boy In the World Has the Ball”

Before I start on my usual quest of reading and re-reading the entire interwebnet, I thought I’d put on a little mood lighting and take us back a bit.  Some of you (most of you, I hope) have probably heard of Wizard People/Dear Reader.  The phenomenon was first introduced to me by my friend Helen last spring (unfortunately during finals week.  Needless to say I didn’t study much).  I think everyone knows about my undying love for the Harry Potter series, but this collection of videos, thankfully all available on YouTube, really takes the cake when it comes to The Absolute Best Harry Potter Related Thing Ever, and that is not something I say lightly.

A guy named Brad Neely made a sort of book on tape audio accompaniment for the first Harry Potter movie, syncing it with the film and uploading it.  A lot of the character names are changed (for the better) and almost none of the original plot remains (our three heroes, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are even turned into cognac-swilling drunkards).  Trust me, even if you’re not a Potter fanatic like me, it’s worth a look.

Here’s the first installment:

 

 

 

Take a look at my favorite clip, after the jump:

Welcome Back, Kotter

Uh…hi.  This is awkward.  Loot at me, shuffling my feet.  I’m sorry I stopped talking to you for awhile.  But I mean, come on guys, it’s not like I’M the creepy guy who turned out to be a rapist.  That was all you.  ALL YOU.

Anyway, now that we’re reacquainted and back to being BFFLssss, I’d like to give you a bit of an update of what’s going on here at The Worst:

Sadly, we’ve lost Michael.  I think we actually lost Michael months ago, when he only wrote three posts.  But anyway, I’m officially kicking him out.  If he (or anyone else, I’m always taking ideas!) wants to write a guest post, I’m all for it…but for now, you guys are stuck with me and my ridiculousness.  Get over it.  And I’m keeping the banner picture, because it’s the shit, obv.

Now for actual posts.  I’m thinking of integrating more of myself into them…mainly because the only people that read this thing are people that know me and, let’s face it, I’m so damn interesting (I am not interesting).  You guys always want to know what I’m up to (you never want to know what I’m up to).  Not to worry, I will not talk about things like my nickel allergy, or how my 11-year-old sister continues to beat me up, or my grandmother’s racial insensitivities.  Or maybe I will, because those thing are kind of funny.  But right now I’m making a video from Sean’s and my road trip from Iowa City to New York and I just can’t think of anywhere else to put it except The Worst.  Whenever I can, I will try to include some type of media along with what I’m talking about.  You know, blogging.

Anyway, as my dad always says, “Keep a cool weiner” (I really wish he didn’t say that).  It’s going to be a busy summer, but I’ll update as much as possible.  Keep checking back for new posts!

Chelsea

After Publishing This Post, I Have Officially Reverted Back To Middle School Age

So remember when you used to look at websites like ebaumsworld and stuff like this was what you laughed at all day?  Oh, what, yesterday?  Yeah, me too.

Anyway, I stumbled across this website the other day, which chronicles The Worst of the worst wedding mishaps (cakes, terrible dresses, crossdressing wedding parties) and I can’t stop looking at it.  How could I, when there are people out there like this?!

 

 

I am a terrible, terrible person.  I hope you have as much fun acting thirteen as I do.

Remember That Time I Made Fun of You For Going to RIT? Sorry About That.

Today I found a video that kind of (really, really) makes me want to date a nerd:

 

 

That is one of the coolest things I have ever seen.  And heard.  Is it bad that I just left that video playing a couple times today and had a rave in my underwear to the music?  That’s not…weird…or anything.  I’m pretty positive.  I basically just feel really untalented and bad at computers now.  I kind of want to go draw a safety booklet for an airline or something to prove myself.

This is the future of fairy tales, guys.  Cyborg Revolution ’09!

(Via BuzzFeed)

I Now Declare Today National Talk Like the Ying Yang Twins Day

I hate the show “Cribs” on MTV.  It so far pales in comparison to VH1′s “Fabulous Life Of…” that I hardly pay any attention to it all.  But, considering the entire internet has thrust this excerpt of  the Ying Yang Twins episode of “Cribs” (with translation) upon me today, I figured I should watch it.  And now I’d like to make you watch it, too:

 

 

Probably the best part is how not only are they apparently challenged in numerous ways and are very clearly falling into a collective, delusional drug stupor, but their house (based on the amount of money they make + laydiesssz they fuck + singles they drop) IS A COMPLETE PIECE OF SHIT.  The “Sea Room”?  Forgive me for getting hot and bothered, but sailboats and fishies aren’t really known aphrodisiacs.

Yeah, I’m going to talk like that from now on.  Unintelligible rambling is gon’ get me a BOYFREN/record deal up in herr.

I Think My Eyeballs Just Exploded From Cute

If you haven’t seen this video by now then you clearly don’t own a computer.  Your step-dad forwarded this to me about nine times already.  I know lately I’ve been straying towards rather…different individuals, but I just couldn’t stay away from the cute for very long:

 

 

Those ears!  The hugging!  The fluffy fury goodness inspired by kittens!  But really.  Who owns a fox.  Arrest that guy.

Try Not Giving A Fuck

There are countless stupid internet videos uploaded to the Holy Grail that is the Tube every day.  Yet, among the Roomba cats, Kittens Inspired By Kittens, and other cat-related media…there are farcical phoenixes rising from the ashes to create comedic gold.  My new favorite is Jon LaJoie, who just so happens to embody every single quality I look for in a man, especially Not Giving A Fuck:

 

 

Seriously, take a look at his other stuff.  You’ll giggle (“POOEY!”) yourself into an internet-induced stupor (my fave)!

(Thanks to my friend Shark for the tip!)

The King of the YouTube Nutters

Hey [non-existent] readers of The Worst!  Remember that time I talked about YouTube nutters…yesterday?  Well, today I found the king of them all.  THE KING.

His name is Mr. Pregnant, and he is the absolute worst.  His channel has over 308 videos, including such hits as “Lady in Red,” “Me Myself and Chicken,” and, of course “Gay Gay Gay Gay.”

If you don’t really enjoy your retinas, I suggest watching this video (NSFW, I believe, is obvious):

 

 

(And you want to know how I found that?  I typed in “Free Willy.”  That’s all, “Free Willy.”  I may, or may not, have been looking for that classic Michael Jackson hit, “Will You Be There” when this came up.  And then I threw up nine times.)

I Kissed A Lobster And I Liked It

There are some downright NUTTERS on YouTube.  Also there are 13-year-old girls who sing Taylor Swift songs and make your ears bleed:

 

 

Yum, that was simply irresistible.  But my favorite definitely has to be her well thought out, fun for the family rendition of Katy Perry’s, “I Kissed A Girl”:

 

 

(Thanks to Drew for the tip!)